ABANDONED IN SANCTUARY

Will continue working on Book 19 ~ The Resident ~ today

Preliminary artwork and title came together for the twentieth book about half an hour ago.

~ ABANDONED IN SANCTUARY ~

Vague impressions coming into my head

~one~

main character caught between two dimensions 

walking them both

one more primitive than the other

~two~

a man who has committed himself to seclusion 

in a locked room in a victorian mansion

as he deteriorates from man to ape

waiting to be drawn back into a forgotten past

a forgotten world outside earth

maybe akin to Edgar Rice Burroughs John Carter character

had to tell where the book will go 

until within the actual writing stage.

SEPTEMBER 7TH 2015 ~ MONDAY

Today would have been Ellie's sixty fourth birthday

a part of me wishes that I hadn't of moved so far away from her grave

always feel that I've abandoned her to the deepest loneliness left in this life

no one to sit by her / no one to talk to her / hold her close in memory

Don't know what fate has in store for me 

but

I hope when my time comes to leave this life

that I will come home to rest by her side forever

if in the ways of nature Holly leaves life before me

I will return to Albany to be with Ellie

In a very quiet way I always believe Ellie comes to me on her birthday

she she passed away

she brings shadows of experience

 that I am compelled to follow within my writing

with a sense that I will find her again somewhere on that road

this week she brought me shadows of something that was once real

her visits to see her father in a mental institution in Northampton

when she was a child

the ill fate that she had followed in his footsteps 

inheriting his mental illness

in itself that experience should be a novel in itself

but

who's to remain to tell me intimate details of Ellie's life

have considered talking to her sister in Seattle

approach that idea

but

why would I say but?

I should just follow those highways

see where it will go

Had always considered publishing an update volume of her book

PICTURES POEMS AND MONKEY PAWS

with a very detailed biography of Ellie's life

maybe this is the time to propose that to Marastella ?

In the gray spaces between now and then

it is obvious that I should follow 

what I believe to be Ellie's touching of her mind against mine

with this novel

ABANDONED IN SANCTUARY

I have no doubt that tinges of Ellie's reality and my grief

will paint sections of this book like rain on a Monday Morning

I know she will be standing near me with her gentle ways

as the words take presence and belonging of her soul

I feel that I am dying here

starving for the inevitable need 

to go away

find my way back to her grave

there is no recovery from the sorrow that's wounded me

just the waiting to be back with her

~just~

the recovery of ashes to memory

to

the days when I can hold her close to me

I wish I understood what all of this writing has meant

it chose to pull me out of the blue

speak to me in foreign tongues that won't let me sleep

it's a bitter sweet sanctuary tempering the pain inside me

but

I can't hide forever behind these words

when the day comes I will leave it all behind

come to be alone with Ellie in a place where she will 

never be alone again

I cherish that she has chosen to remain with me

even past the border she has crossed in death

' It will work out someday Ellie . I will be coming home to you

I Promise it will be that way

when the last word is written

when

the last breath taken

I will be close to you like I was suppose to do

was suppose to be

I should have said it all when I was close to you

like I was suppose to do

please let it rain ~ let me come home to you

before it's too late Ellie 

September 7th ~ 9:08 am

Hadn't intended my mind to drift so deeply into the sorrow I feel today

stepping away from it as best as I can to follow beginnings of book twenty.

there isn't much to the plot or characters yet

August Hawthorne came out of a strange dance held in my head

an obsession to own an ape mask

had nothing specific in mind; but, kept coming back to one mask

something of an Orangatang 

probably created for one of the Planet of The Apes films

it took me months before I finally mail ordered the mask to myself

in an odd paradox

one more ape mask also came with that order

~and another mask~

nothing like the ape visions held in my head

this one was crafted only with black plastic symbolic of

a front line cop assault protection gear

after several photographs taken with these masks hiding my face

it became a haunting dawn that both should be adversaries 

in a book I normally wound not ever contemplate.

a few days passed before I came across a word and photographic site

about the mental institution in Northampton, Massachucetts

where my father in law had ended his life sometime in the seventies.

and it seems that I am at that crossroad between those two ideologies

that curiously needs to make me draw them together in this book.

there will be traces of reality

 my belief 

weaving throughout demons of this book

~no~ ?

nothing is apparent until I've been released

into each page of the book

the only thing I can be assured of is

Ellie brought me to these roads this weekend

whether it be closure

putting demons to sleep

or

waking me to a new understanding

is yet to be revealed

in

ABANDONED TO SANCTUARY